staying focused

This has been a difficult week to stay focused on moving forwards. Juggling work and recovery has felt harder than ever and I've felt disappointed with myself everyday but when I tallied up the bingeing and purging over 7 days, it was less than the week before. The right direction.

Despite things feeling more out of control, my social life is great, I want to go out as much as possible with friends and dance! Twirling around a dance floor is empowering even if you don't know what you're doing! Last night I was introduced to Forro, a Brazilian dance; my friend is addicted to it and I can totally understand why. The live band, the beat, the men leading and spinning were all incredible, you danced with everyone. It was a different world to a sleazy club and I would go every night if I could; today I feel on top of everything.

Into the Kitchen

Today is a day for remembering and looking to the future, the events seven years ago have shaped this decade like no one could have imagined. Standing at ground zero in March I was awed by the weight of atmosphere; no one smiled, faces looked out on the construction in deep reflection. I walked away ready for the next half of the day and I kept on walking.

This week I'm moving into the next step of my journey, evening meals. I have a strict 4 day plan to follow, 3 meals and 3 snacks at regular intervals; this means I have to start cooking again. It's some thing I have always loved, even worked as a chef while at university, but I always ended up bingeing with it so I stopped and began avoiding the kitchen.

Yesterday I boiled one portion of potatoes and I've missed it. That was only day one but one day can turn into two and someday I'll be cooking real meals for myself and all my friends!

My inspiration

I promise I'll update a proper blog when I get home from work tomorrow, the train is keeping me away more than I'd like right now but rent is due! I want to share my favourite place in whole world, my inspiration since I was 13. Cape Cornwall, 5 miles from the very tip of England is the only cape in Western UK, I discovered the town St Just and the rocky Cape on a family holiday to Cornwall when I was a teenager, my brother and I climbed as far out on the rocks as we could and raced the tide back in.

This year my hiking took me back there and it was every bit as inspiring as I remember, this time the tide was in and I sat on the cliff top watching other kids play, I didn't want to leave. My journey will take me back there again I know it and in less than 13 years this time :-)

Recovery IS Worth It.

RECOVERY IS WORTH IT.

I'm 2 months into my recovery, I'm eating breakfast and lunch most days, halved the amount of binges and cut down how often I purge but while I am promoting how much honesty and health are important I often feel like a fraud. Some days I can't fight and it's like I'm letting everyone down, not me, everyone around me and everyone who reads this but recovery is like that, it's not as straight forward as I would like or easy and I'd tell anyone with an ed, if you step backwards into the disorder sometimes, you can step forward again.

Kat updated on you tube this week and she hits it how it is.



RECOVERY IS WORTH IT

Walk with me

The title of this blog has always had various meanings, my walk towards recovery, becoming a published author and more literally my love for walking. Last year during my summer two weeks off from work I wasn't in a place healthy enough to do the hikes I had planned. This year I am.

For the past week I have been hiking different trails in the North of England, starting with a 5 mile hike in the Lake District to test out how I would get on. It was difficult but because I was on my own and I'd forgotten the motivation you needed to keep pushing on. From there I went up to Scarborough in the North Yorkshire Moors, my favourite national park. I hiked 7 miles from Robin Hoods Bay to Whitby, it was incrediable, the open sea, rocky cliffs and pure air.

Yesterday I joined my dad and his walking group on a walk from Stamford to Tolethorpe, an open air shakespeare theatre; the company was nice and spending time with dad is always great.

Today I went back up North to Berwick Upon Tweed, a city I've been meaning to visit for years; I only had 4 hours but it would have been worth travelling up there just for a few minutes. It was inspiring and without a doubt is helping me to feel more comfortable eating breakfast and lunch without bingeing or purging.

Tomorrow I head South.

Past times

When a moment has past how real does it feel? When we come back from holiday's, doesn't it often feel like a dream? It's pretty usual, I don't believe time is concrete, maybe it's one of the reasons I love science fiction!

Over the past couple of weeks I've been going through background stuff in therapy, it's tough, a lot of it doesn't feel real. I wasn't sure on how much I should say and some things I wanted to and wasn't sure how to. But my T is encouraging, she waits, prompts if necessary and I can talk even if feels uncomfortable.

We're up to the year before I went to University, at that time I was self harming and it is not something I would talk about now, it doesn't seem real and I've never understood it but all the time I was debating whether or not to mention it, I wanted too. In the end she brought it up, making it so much easier for me! We're going to continue exploring it next week and I'm not so afraid now. It hasn't affected my life for a long time but I do wish I knew why I did it in the first place.

The next challenge with background will be Uni and I'm not sure how to talk about something which I feel makes me look like a drama queen, but then isn't that the place to explore these things? Maybe I'll be able to my mind at rest if I do open up. Sorry this post might sound vague, it's pretty much how I feel!

Right now I'm excited to watch the women's Gymnastics final, Great Britain have Becky Dowie in the top 24 :-)

Gem Stones

I'll be updating recovery progress in a few days, everything is a bit forwards and backwards at the moment but I'm being inspired by the Olympics and writing when I can. Here's a poem I'm working on at the moment :-)

Gem Stones

When I was five the shiny bright stone
Sparkled in my eye;
Polished and smooth and light to my palm.

I scavenged the ground,
Shops on holiday,
Picking rocks off mountainsides;

Learning foreign names,
The geology of the Earth with
Spitting volcanoes and quakes

To shake up the land.
Spiky crystals expose,
Rough ridges smoothed by tools,

The nature of weather eroding, pulsing
As I listened and found
Tunes of the Earth’s inner core.